Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Men and women are known to speak and communicate differently and this is probably one of the biggest reasons for couples’ arguments. I know it is in my relationship and many of my friends’ relationships. It can be extremely frustrating when the person you care the most about does not understand you the way you want them to.
My boyfriend and I actually fight about not fighting. He says we don’t ever fight and I say we do. So how can two people who are in the same relationship have such different opinions on the amount they fight? Easy; we just both have different definitions of fighting. I hate fighting with him so I will do anything to keep the conversation as calm as possible but also getting both of our opinions voiced. If I see the conversation escalating too much and it really isn’t an important subject, I’ll drop it after we both have said what we want to say. This way we will just agree to disagree. Apparently, he doesn’t see this as an argument. He thinks of an argument as two people screaming and yelling at each other. I am not one to act this way so in his mind, we don’t fight. After I explained to him where I was coming from, he sees what I mean about our arguments. I think his biggest problem was that in his past relationships, he didn’t have quiet and calm conflict. He had more the screaming and yelling kind of conflict which is what he got used to.
I really like to think our way of fighting is productive conflict. We are always open and honest with each other and rarely raise our voices. I’ve also been with my boyfriend long enough to know the things we don’t see eye to eye on so I avoid bringing those topics up with him. If for some reason they do come up, I don’t make it into an argument. I know from the past that there’s no reason to try and make him see my point because the last time I tried, it didn’t work and we ended up fighting. We also try and not to bother with the “little things.” I see way too many people fight and blow situations out of proportion, and we really try not to do that. I know arguments are healthy in a relationship, but some conflicts can totally be avoided and only put stress on the relationship.
For example, my room mate and her boyfriend fight all the time. They have at least one huge screaming match a week. Since taking this class, I’ve really noticed her language when she talks to him. Most of the time it is, “You did this,” or “You never do this,” or “You’re impossible to talk to.” She uses “you” way too much instead of using “I.” Clearly I am not about to interrupt her while she is yelling at him to tell her to use “I” instead of “you.” Instead, I’ll wait until the argument is over and she’s talking to me about it and then I’ll try and hint to her ways of not fighting with him so much. I try and not to interfere in their relationship too much because their relationship is theirs and not really much of my business. I know I would be a little annoyed if someone was constantly telling me how to talk to my boyfriend. Instead, I just drop a few hints now and then.
After reading the case study “He Says/She Says,” I could relate to Ginger. Throughout their whole first conversation, Luke constantly looks away from her and focuses on everything else except her while they talk. It seems like he doesn’t even glance at her. My boyfriend is actually really good about looking at me while he’s talking or while I’m talking to him. Every once in a while I do catch him looking out the window of the car or at the table next to us at a restaurant. It actually never really bothered me too much. I guess I was just always used to that from men. It was really brought to my attention when we started talking about it in class. With women on the other hand, I am very used to have full eye contact. I always get it with my mom and most of my girlfriends. I would feel uncomfortable if I didn’t get their full attention. With guys though, I’m not offended or insulted if they are not looking directly at me during the entire conversation. I do think I would be offended if I were in Ginger’s place though. Like I said before, it doesn’t seem like Luke looks at her at all and I do need at least some confirmation from a guy that he is listening. I find it really interesting watching my boyfriend interact with one of his best guy friends. Their conversation is usually very competitive and they rarely looked at each other. Instead, they both focus on eating or whatever else they are doing.
Another way I can relate to “He Says/She Says” is when Luke offers his advice at the end of their conversation. My boyfriend will do that a lot even when I don’t ask for it. Sometimes I just want to talk and vent to him and I’m really not anticipating a response from him. Instead of just listening to me, he’ll tell me what he thinks I should do or, if I’m talking about someone, he’ll tell me what he thinks they should do. It can get really frustrating but I have to realize that by him giving me advice, he is not implying that I am incapable of dealing it with myself. He is only trying to help me because he cares about me. For example, one of my friends is dating a guy who is clearly not right for her but they just recently broke up. To everyone’s disappointment, they are slowly starting to see each other again. When I talk to my boyfriend about this, he’ll tell me what he thinks my friend should do. I’m really not looking for an answer for her because her decision in her relationship is ultimately up to her and not anyone else’s, especially not my boyfriend’s. What I really want from him is to listen more about what I’m saying about their dysfunctional relationship. Instead, he feels the need to give advice as opposed to seeing what I’m saying. Like I said before, he isn’t trying to say she is incapable of solving her own problems or that he has all the answers. He just sees the next logical step in the conversation is to give advice.
While I was reading “Sex, Lies, and Conversation,” I found it amusing because I totally could picture me and my boyfriend in that situation. When we’re in public, he is always the big talker. He is the one who talks to the waiters and waitresses, the salespeople, and other people we meet. Everyone always comments on my quietness and he’ll follow that up with, “I usually can’t get her to shut up.” We all get a laugh but it’s true. I do initiate most of the conversations we have when we’re alone but when we’re in public I close up. I really can’t even attribute that to my shyness because if I were with a girlfriend, I would talk more. For some reason when I’m with him I allow him to do the talking in public and then when we’re alone, I feel more comfortable and talk a lot more.
In the gender communication quiz, I found number seven to be very interesting. Number seven states that women are more likely than men to disclose intimate personal information. I completely agree with that statement. I also agree that once personal information is disclosed, it can be a turning point in the relationship, whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship. I know in the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, both our walls were up pretty far. Slowly they have come down on both of our sides. I believe those walls came down as a result of information being disclosed. Once one of us would share something intimate, the other would feel comfortable enough to share something too; it became a fast spiral. Once our walls started to drop, there was no turning back. I would definitely say this was a major turning point in our relationship.
I would say out of all the classes I have taken in high school and in college, this is definitely the class that I have learned the most about real life. I can take what we talk about and apply it to my own situations which I think is what learning is all about. Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope for the two to communicate.