Family Ties

Thanksgiving is a time for feasting, spending time together with loved ones and relaxing. My Thanksgiving this year was a bit small with only me, my mom, my dad, my sister and my aunt and uncle for dinner. It just seemed to work out that everyone else in the family had previous commitments this year. Although it was a small dinner, we still got to spend time together, have engaging conversations and, of course, watch football.
As soon as my aunt and uncle walked in the door, they were greeted with kisses and hugs, including from my two miniature poodles. This is a norm in my family and it would feel strange not to do this. My aunt and uncle do not have any children of their own so when they talk to me, they like to hear about my school life and other activities I’m involved in. My uncle in particular loves to talk to me about school. He loved school and did very well and likes to hear that I’m doing well. My aunt on the other hand is more interested about my boyfriend and what he’s like. Although my uncle is interested about hearing about my boyfriend, he is more interested about his job and his firefighting than anything else. This clearly is just a gender difference with the woman wanting to know more “gossipy” information and the man wanting to know more solid, job information.
Dialogue with my parents and my aunt and uncle seems to be the same every year. My uncle is my mom’s brother so my dad and my uncle don’t really have too much in common. The only thing they share interest in really is sports so thank God for football on Thanksgiving. They go into the family room and watch the game on television and the only conversation I really hear revolves around players, coaches and different plays. Occasionally, I’ll hear my dad bring up something about me or my sister but then they quickly move back to sports.
My mom and aunt spend most of their time in the kitchen on Thanksgiving. This is partially because they are finishing up dinner and partially because women feel more comfortable hanging out in the kitchen than men do. It may be because the kitchen is a more familiar setting for a woman so they prefer spending more time there. In other family gatherings, the men usually socialize in front of the television and the women stay in the kitchen and talk.
Considering Cuber and Harroff’s different marriage styles, the two marriages at my Thanksgiving dinner definitely are vital marriages. My aunt and uncle are both on their way to retirement and have a second house in Maryland they visit weekly. As I mentioned before, they do not have any children together so this allows them to spend more time together than a couple with children would. In Maryland, they have friends that are also couples and they frequently play cards or have dinner with them. On Thanksgiving I noticed my uncle showing a lot of affection towards my aunt. For example, while my aunt was cooking, he would come up behind her and hug her and give her a kiss. He also would put his arm around her while they were standing next to each other.
My parents both have full time jobs so they don’t spend a lot of time together during the day, but they always see each other at night. My mom is usually home by 6:30pm and, depending on my dad’s schedule, he is home between 5:30pm and 9:00pm. Once they are both home, they’ll either talk or if they’re both tired, they’ll just watch television. Even though they have two children, it was very important to both of them that they had equity in their marriage and they both worked. This seems to be particularly normal with “less than 17% of current marriages in the United States” having one person making all the whole family income. Sunday is the day they really get to spend the most time together because this is the only day they both have off of work. During the summer, they like to watch the Phillies games or sit out back together. Dinners on Sundays mean a lot to my parents because it usually is the only real meal they get to eat together. During the week, my dad usually isn’t home in time for dinner and he isn’t a real big “meal eater” anyway. But on Sundays my mom spends the day in the kitchen cooking a special meal since they eat together so rarely.
The only person I haven’t really mentioned yet is my sister. The only reason I haven’t mentioned her is because she doesn’t really socialize with the family. The only time she did talk with the rest of us was while we were actually sitting down together eating. But before dinner when we were all talking, she was in the other room doing her own thing. My sister is 25 years old but she is extremely immature for her age. One reason she doesn’t like to talk with the family is because she doesn’t like when the conversation is not revolving around her. She thinks that if everyone is not talking about her or listening to her, everyone is ignoring her. She does not understand the concept of a conversation where sometimes you talk and sometimes you listen. Now, I don’t mean to make it sound like my sister is ignorant or rude. She has a minor learning disability that attributes to some of it. The other part of it is because of her immaturity. My sister and I get along for the most part, but it can be very frustrating too. My parents, mostly my dad, tend to “baby” her and then treat me like a regular 19 year old. Don’t get me wrong because I don’t want to be treated the way my dad treats my sister by any means. I’m 19 years old and I know they expect certain things from me, but she’s also 25 years old. The things my dad does for her she is perfectly capable of doing for herself, such as picking up and cleaning her dishes. I feel that she uses her disability to her advantage and, as you can imagine, it can be extremely frustrating. This frustration towards my sister sometimes leads to me letting anger out on her for the wrong reasons. I try my hardest to be the “bigger person” but sometimes I just want to be the little sister again.
As frustrating as my sister is to me, I’m sure she is just as frustrated with me but for different reasons. My sister never went to college or got to experience a real teenage life and sometimes I think her anger towards me is more resentment than actual anger. She’s six years older than I am but she knows I have more responsibility and respect from my parents. For example, she does not drive so I take her back and forth a lot from work when I’m not at school. Clearly there is a complementary communication in our relationship because of the different levels of power. If we’re home alone, I’ll tell her to clean up after herself (which usually ends in some kind of fight), and I know she hates being told what to do by me. But since of our situation, I have to be the responsible one. As hard as it is to deal with her, I can also see how it must be frustrating that her younger sister has so much more power and responsibility than she does.
Although my sister and I don’t really have many religion differences, I can relate to the brother and sister relationship in the case study Straddling Heaven and Earth. At the end of story, John and Susan have a difficult time having a conversation because of John’s new found love for God. My sister and I don’t really have too many conversations because we just find it hard to relate to one another because we are on such different levels. Every once in a while, we’ll have a good conversation but 9 times out of 10, it’s over the internet. I guess we steer from talking too much because it usually turns into some kind of argument. She’s my sister and I love her, but she just makes it very difficult to like her sometimes.
I believe the different relationships in my family are similar to relationships in other families. Then again, all relationships are very unique in their own ways. We may all complain about our families, but they are where we came from and without them, we wouldn’t be who we are today.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Men and women are known to speak and communicate differently and this is probably one of the biggest reasons for couples’ arguments. I know it is in my relationship and many of my friends’ relationships. It can be extremely frustrating when the person you care the most about does not understand you the way you want them to.
My boyfriend and I actually fight about not fighting. He says we don’t ever fight and I say we do. So how can two people who are in the same relationship have such different opinions on the amount they fight? Easy; we just both have different definitions of fighting. I hate fighting with him so I will do anything to keep the conversation as calm as possible but also getting both of our opinions voiced. If I see the conversation escalating too much and it really isn’t an important subject, I’ll drop it after we both have said what we want to say. This way we will just agree to disagree. Apparently, he doesn’t see this as an argument. He thinks of an argument as two people screaming and yelling at each other. I am not one to act this way so in his mind, we don’t fight. After I explained to him where I was coming from, he sees what I mean about our arguments. I think his biggest problem was that in his past relationships, he didn’t have quiet and calm conflict. He had more the screaming and yelling kind of conflict which is what he got used to.
I really like to think our way of fighting is productive conflict. We are always open and honest with each other and rarely raise our voices. I’ve also been with my boyfriend long enough to know the things we don’t see eye to eye on so I avoid bringing those topics up with him. If for some reason they do come up, I don’t make it into an argument. I know from the past that there’s no reason to try and make him see my point because the last time I tried, it didn’t work and we ended up fighting. We also try and not to bother with the “little things.” I see way too many people fight and blow situations out of proportion, and we really try not to do that. I know arguments are healthy in a relationship, but some conflicts can totally be avoided and only put stress on the relationship.
For example, my room mate and her boyfriend fight all the time. They have at least one huge screaming match a week. Since taking this class, I’ve really noticed her language when she talks to him. Most of the time it is, “You did this,” or “You never do this,” or “You’re impossible to talk to.” She uses “you” way too much instead of using “I.” Clearly I am not about to interrupt her while she is yelling at him to tell her to use “I” instead of “you.” Instead, I’ll wait until the argument is over and she’s talking to me about it and then I’ll try and hint to her ways of not fighting with him so much. I try and not to interfere in their relationship too much because their relationship is theirs and not really much of my business. I know I would be a little annoyed if someone was constantly telling me how to talk to my boyfriend. Instead, I just drop a few hints now and then.
After reading the case study “He Says/She Says,” I could relate to Ginger. Throughout their whole first conversation, Luke constantly looks away from her and focuses on everything else except her while they talk. It seems like he doesn’t even glance at her. My boyfriend is actually really good about looking at me while he’s talking or while I’m talking to him. Every once in a while I do catch him looking out the window of the car or at the table next to us at a restaurant. It actually never really bothered me too much. I guess I was just always used to that from men. It was really brought to my attention when we started talking about it in class. With women on the other hand, I am very used to have full eye contact. I always get it with my mom and most of my girlfriends. I would feel uncomfortable if I didn’t get their full attention. With guys though, I’m not offended or insulted if they are not looking directly at me during the entire conversation. I do think I would be offended if I were in Ginger’s place though. Like I said before, it doesn’t seem like Luke looks at her at all and I do need at least some confirmation from a guy that he is listening. I find it really interesting watching my boyfriend interact with one of his best guy friends. Their conversation is usually very competitive and they rarely looked at each other. Instead, they both focus on eating or whatever else they are doing.
Another way I can relate to “He Says/She Says” is when Luke offers his advice at the end of their conversation. My boyfriend will do that a lot even when I don’t ask for it. Sometimes I just want to talk and vent to him and I’m really not anticipating a response from him. Instead of just listening to me, he’ll tell me what he thinks I should do or, if I’m talking about someone, he’ll tell me what he thinks they should do. It can get really frustrating but I have to realize that by him giving me advice, he is not implying that I am incapable of dealing it with myself. He is only trying to help me because he cares about me. For example, one of my friends is dating a guy who is clearly not right for her but they just recently broke up. To everyone’s disappointment, they are slowly starting to see each other again. When I talk to my boyfriend about this, he’ll tell me what he thinks my friend should do. I’m really not looking for an answer for her because her decision in her relationship is ultimately up to her and not anyone else’s, especially not my boyfriend’s. What I really want from him is to listen more about what I’m saying about their dysfunctional relationship. Instead, he feels the need to give advice as opposed to seeing what I’m saying. Like I said before, he isn’t trying to say she is incapable of solving her own problems or that he has all the answers. He just sees the next logical step in the conversation is to give advice.
While I was reading “Sex, Lies, and Conversation,” I found it amusing because I totally could picture me and my boyfriend in that situation. When we’re in public, he is always the big talker. He is the one who talks to the waiters and waitresses, the salespeople, and other people we meet. Everyone always comments on my quietness and he’ll follow that up with, “I usually can’t get her to shut up.” We all get a laugh but it’s true. I do initiate most of the conversations we have when we’re alone but when we’re in public I close up. I really can’t even attribute that to my shyness because if I were with a girlfriend, I would talk more. For some reason when I’m with him I allow him to do the talking in public and then when we’re alone, I feel more comfortable and talk a lot more.
In the gender communication quiz, I found number seven to be very interesting. Number seven states that women are more likely than men to disclose intimate personal information. I completely agree with that statement. I also agree that once personal information is disclosed, it can be a turning point in the relationship, whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship. I know in the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, both our walls were up pretty far. Slowly they have come down on both of our sides. I believe those walls came down as a result of information being disclosed. Once one of us would share something intimate, the other would feel comfortable enough to share something too; it became a fast spiral. Once our walls started to drop, there was no turning back. I would definitely say this was a major turning point in our relationship.
I would say out of all the classes I have taken in high school and in college, this is definitely the class that I have learned the most about real life. I can take what we talk about and apply it to my own situations which I think is what learning is all about. Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope for the two to communicate.

Time to Get the Broom and Clean House...

Cleaning house I think is a great term on describing moving on from something or someone and leaving their memory behind you. Every once in a while you really do have to look around you, realize who or what is bringing you down, and “clean them out of your house.” It may be hard to do, but it really is done for your own good.
In my last emotions blog, I discussed briefly about a friend of mine who after I did everything possible in the world for her, she still decided to shut me out of her life. Her problems really started almost immediately after we became friends. She went from one bad relationship to the next, and they did nothing for her self-confidence. She was extremely dependent on having a guy in her life and it really took over her world. I was there through all the bad times and all the good times with her. She would call me in the middle of the night when something happened with one of her boyfriends and I stayed on the phone with her until she was okay. I could really write pages about all of her issues and everything I’ve been through with her but I’ll get to the point when everything went dramatically down hill for our relationship.
Earlier this year, she was involved with a guy who, at the time, was very serious with. She unfortunately got pregnant and, of course, she was very scared. Like any other young girl finding out she’s pregnant, she went back and forth deciding whether or not she was going to keep the baby. I told her that I would stand by her 100% no matter what she decided to do. After many emotional days of deciding what to do, she decided she was going to keep the baby and she was actually even pretty excited about it. When she told a mutual friend of ours of her decision, our friend was anything but supportive. To quote her, she told her that she was going to turn into “white trash” and that her “dad wouldn’t let her see her anymore.” Of course my friend was devastated and I let her vent to me. (Just for a side note: she is still friends with this girl and not me.) After more hours of deliberation, my friend changed her mind and chose to have an abortion. I also stood by her decision to not keep the baby. This is when things really went down hill. She ended her relationship with the father of her baby and almost immediately started a new one with another guy. I told her to slow down and maybe take a break from guys; she’d been through a lot and needed time. Like I said before, she really depended on guys being in her life so she did not listen to me. She moved way to fast with this new guy and he became very controlling. We stopped talking for a couple months because she was so wrapped up with her new boyfriend. Eventually we started talking again but things were not the same. I couldn’t forget the fact that she ignored me for months but I was willing to put it behind me. Again, we stopped talking in July and haven’t spoken since. I would love to explain why we stopped talking but I’m not even really sure myself why it all ended. What I am sure of is that it had to do with her new boyfriend and his controlling behavior.
If I can take anything out of this failed friendship it’s that I will never let a guy come between me and my friends. My boyfriend was with me through everything that happened with her and he was very supportive. When I’m feeling down about not being friends with her, he’ll remind me why I’m a better person without her. He completely understands that I love being with him, but every once in a while I do need some “girl time.”
Even though I do have my moments sometimes when I feel really depressed about our almost “sister” relationship being gone, I think I am a better person without her. I would blow off things such as school work or other people all because she called me and needed me somewhere. I only dropped everything at the drop of a hat for her because I always thought that she would do the same for me and I was obviously wrong. In the past year, I’ve really realized who my true friends are even though it has been a very tough road.
In class we spoke about the idea of protecting others and I think that was a big issue with me and my friend. I was always so concerned with her and what she was doing with her life because it seemed like everything she did ended in disaster. Sometimes I think I was more concerned with her than she was with herself. Being her best friend, I of course gave her advice but what I had a hard time dealing with was the fact that it was her decision whether or not to take it. Eventually when the problems became more serious and I saw myself getting to be more of a nag than a help, I backed off. I had to realize that she was going to do what she wanted to do and there was nothing I could do about it. It was really hard trying to find a middle ground where I was still being a supportive, advice giving friend and not being a badgering nag.
As in many of my other blogs, I want to incorporate music. I just feel like music is such a great way to express emotions and feelings that you yourself have a difficult time putting into words. The song “If You’re Going Through Hell” by Rodney Atkins applies to not only my situation but I think many other people’s situations. Basically, the song is about how even though you may be going through a hard time, you have to keep your head up and move on. You can’t slow down in your tracks because it is only going to make matters worse. This song always uplifts my spirits when I’m feeling down. To view the lyrics and hear the song, click on the link in the “My Links” section.
Even though “cleaning house” may be one of the hardest tasks you do in life (and may even be harder than actually cleaning your house), it’s most likely going to be one of the most rewarding experiences you have. Our time here is limited so why go along wasting our precious time with people who are bad for our mental and physical health? By getting rid of these people and things, we are able to enjoy life better and spend more time with the people and things we love and who love us back.